Thursday, November 17, 2011

Yeah about that..

It strikes me as meaningful that three years after I began this blog, my title is still relevant. I am still on a journey, having just moved to a whole new city for the 4th time in the last two years ( there have been a total of 6 moves with 3 cross continental trips).
Oye, it takes it out of a girl, wait a women, because I am almost 29 (more on this in the next blog).

My only excuse for not writing this last year is a final year of graduate school, a thesis, several moves, being in a cold city i didn't want to be in, and confidentiality. Since my internship is where I spent most of my days, most of interactions and thoughts involved confidential information. I would be mortified if I discovered that my therapist had a blog and was discussing her clients, even if their identities were heavily veiled and what not. So I wrestle with that. No, I am not in therapy but all therapist should be, so I will be when i can afford it.

Since most, neigh all, who read this I have talked to in the last nine months I won't do the back story thing, and start where I am.
The stats-
Living in Baltimore Maryland-
Still unemployed-
Spent the last month and a half studying for a licencing exam that I discovered I had to pass before being employable in this state.
This exam was a good "growth opportunity". I have inherited, and nurtured a talent for procrastinating, "winging it," and making it by in many things. It is self protection technique. You see, If i fully apply myself, try my hardest and fail, than I am inadequate, whereas if I wing it, than my procrastination rather than my capabilities is to blame. Things usually work out for me and I make it by when I "wing it", so this behavior has been reinforced repeatedly. Afterwards, I usually slap myself on the hand and say i could have done better if I tried, but alas do not.
My Thesis experience made me face the inadequacies of my approach and in myself. It taught me I am not that great at writing and that this approach is inadequate for graduate level work. (perhaps this contributed to my lack of blogging as well). Through many tears, anxious editing, revisions and support from loved ones I faced my shortcomings and increased my understanding of writing and how not to procrastinate... somewhat. It is a HARD habit to break, to not fall back on when I may not feel one hundred percent.
Soo when it came to test taking, (something several tests have proved I am bad at- yes i took tests that told me I was bad at taking tests) I was faced again with my inadequacies in a big way. If i didn't pass the license exam, I had to wait 3 months to re-take it. And thus I anxiously procrastinated, studied, worried, and reviewed everything I had learned. Turns out social work is alot of common sense and arbitrarily applied "technical terms" defining common sense. The test was all mutiple choice scenario questions and term definition recall. Although I did procrastinate ( it took me way longer to study than it ought to have) when I took the test I felt prepared and more calm. And i passed. YaY!

So I am back to job searching, in a place with few connections, and but does have possibilities. As with all job searching the potential for lots of rejection ( yay) and tedious work that requires attention to detail ( another weakness of mine). I realized I need to learn about this city and its' dynamics as I apply to "social work" jobs in the community, I need to better understand the social climate and needs.

OH- Incase you are craving more of my handiwork, or looking for something to help you fall asleep, I have linked my thesis. But if this doesnt work, send me an email and I would be happy to send it to you! BTW- A hugmoungous thanks to all those who helped edit, proofread, held my hand while I cried, or reminded me that I will make it through and that it is not THAT big of a deal.



Upcoming blog topics--
Thoughts on Baltimore, on being 29, and many more riveting things I promise.


3 comments:

  1. where is the attachment? i want to read the thesis that nearly did you in but you finished (and on time)!

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  2. Right.. sorry Linds, the coffee shop was closing, so I had to wait until I got home! I appreciate your enthusiasm though.

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  3. wow, so glad you are blogging again. the natives demand more! and i can personally speak to how your learning about writing has helped me! i have the same reinforced procrastination behaviors, and it really sucks when you are the teacher and are that last-minute about things.

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