Saturday, November 20, 2010

are ya feeling it?

So my goal was once a month.
Lets count this as October, I will hit ya up again in NOV.
The basiscs of life:I am in Denver, have a place to live in a cute house, in the city, a ten min bike ride to downtown, my dog Oliver has come to join me in my little abode. I live with a nice women who has two dogs, who Oliver has bonded well with ( the dog and the lady). The Veteran’s hospital is treating me well. I have 7 clients I meet with on a weekly basis, and am attending several groups, which I am slowly becoming a facilitator for as well.

Right now I am learning about lonliness. IS this a struggle everyone has? Or is it that those who are struggling feel lonely? SO many of my clients talk about how alone they feel in the world, that it seems like no one understands them or can relate to what they are going thru. I have to be careful not to see those I see in a professional setting as a cross section of humanity, although I think it does represent many themes that exist outside of those who are seeking mental health.

I have held a belief that marriage ( a healthy, solid, good one) would be the antidote to the pain of loneliness. Once I find the person who I want to fall asleep with and cant wait to share the next day with, to learn and explore the world and share my thoughts and ideas with, who I can always come home to, loneliness would no longer be the white noise of my life. I understand that this picture is a bit of a mirage. No one will I always like, nor enjoy sharing my space with.

But i wonder, once I no longer call it loneliness, because we have "found each other", does the pain just morph into not being understood, or unappreciated, or some other sense of disconnect?
I look at all the married people around me ( they are most of you  ) and I see that they are not alone anymore. I envy the comfort of sharing meals and details of life with the same person. someone to be there to struggle over the fears, and challenges life rudely burps into the stream of living. I know and see though, they are no more or less “happy”, content than me. They are able to point out the bliss my existence holds, lazy mornings, spontaneity, a bounty of people I am able to connect and be with. I have freedom, flexibility and guilt free selfishness.

So clients come to me when they are being swallowed by their pain. The military folk have been taught to deal, cope by shoving it down and holding it together. Don’t talk about it, or feel it or do anything that might make you touch “it”. But this stuffing processes becomes all consuming, it’s all you can maintain, and it erodes at your ability to function, to have relationship, let alone experience positive emotions. So they come to me, sit across from me and ask, what can I do? Is this fixable?

1 comment:

  1. you are such a good writer. please please keep it up.

    ReplyDelete