Cocooning

Fall moments

The last couple of months have been synonymous with the season. It began with the end of something great, the warmth of summer, friends, and home; you know fall has arrived when the cold and dreariness begins.

Although it starts with an absence of summer goodness, it most surly holds change, and amidst the rain, and cold, there is the beauty of the falling leaves, crisp sunshine, apples and pumpkins.

Moving here was at first lonely, full of change and absence of comfort, but has drifted to filling with good people, new experiences, apples and pumpkins.

My highlights

Fall leaves- OK west coast, they have us beat. The diversity and richness of COLOR is astounding. I didn't get to go to the blue ridge mountains which is renowned for it's beauty, but even just on my walk to duke and back I am constantly aghast by the foliage.

SOUTHERN COMFORT- no not that southern comfort, the most southern difference I have found is the food. I do complain about the amount that is fried, ( mostly 'cause i don't want to eat too much of it)- but they really have a knack for frying and making great comfort food. So i gathered my new found friends/ food lovers together and had a potluck. We had a great time sharing recipes, music and each other's company.

my mom visited and we made a desk, out of an old door- yeah we're that cool.

DUKE basketball- so this is a big deal here. I guess this is common knowledge to most of the world, but I didn't have the slightest, so I figured I should partake of it and learn. Except to get a ticket is ridiculously expensive and sold out, and the student tickets are handed out in a lottery that the students sleep in tents for months to be entered into. So no schmoozing, money, or body parts would get me a spot.

But who you knows makes the world go round. A favor for a friend, the friend doing a favor for a professor led to us getting tickets!!!

The stadium and the fans are what Duke basketball is famous for. Here's some more info in case the curiosity about the history and fame is unbearable.

Originally the largest indoor arena in the South, Cameron is today one of the smallest in the nation. Nevertheless, its stature grows from year-to-year. Sellout crowds, top 25 rankings and championships of every variety have become the norm. The "creative harassment" of student spectators has given Duke the honor of being known as "one of the toughest road games in the USA," according to USA Today and any visiting team that has ever played in Cameron. In its June 7, 1999, issue, Sports Illustrated rated Cameron Indoor Stadium fourth on a list of the top 20 sporting venues in the world in the 20th Century, ranking ahead of such notables as Wrigley Field, Fenway Park and Pebble Beach Golf Club.

Duke's men's basketball teams have had a decided home-court advantage for many years, thanks to the diehard students and fans affectionately known as "Cameron Crazies" for their aggressiveness, tough catcalls, bleacher jumping and other actions used to create loud noises (for example, in the 02-22-09 showdown vs. Wake Forest, the arena reached 116 dB, similar in volume to jet engines at takeoff, louder than a jackhammer, and nearing the 120 dB threshold for pain^[5]) and rattle opposing offenses. Typically, the seats near the court as well as standing room is reserved for students who wait hours in order to access those areas come game time.

For access to major games, including those against the University of North Carolina, students tent for months in an area outside of Cameron known as "Krzyzewskiville." The hardwood floor was dedicated and renamed Coach K Court in February 2001, in recognition of head coach Mike Krzyzewski's 500th win at Duke.^[6]

Although it was no South American soccer match, it definitely had charisma a whole lot of of blue and a highlight of my fall!

So as I settle into winter, I am looking forward to less change and more comfort; knowing even in the stillness of winter, I am always in it, the whole messy lovely living process of me.

i love the sea and the sea loves me

If you know me, you know of my love for the ocean. If my poetic streak would flare I would write an ode to its unfathomable greatness.

I can now say I've encountered the North Carolina's Atlantic and am still smitten. I met my brother and his house mates at the outer banks- one of the "must see" attractions of NC. The outer banks consist of overgrown sand bars, overly developed with many skinny houses on stilts. Except the last island, ocracoke, which is just sand, ocean and a little fishing village, for us there was no other option.

For the first time, while driving there, I saw glimpses of the south I had created in my imagination. There were blossoming cotton fields and tobacco leaves fading yellow in the sun. picture little kids barefoot in overalls holding kittens ( no really) in front of houses overgrown with ivy. Dilapidated mansions, crumbling from their grandeur, spotted the fields along side rows of trailers. I had to take a ferry on the last leg and saw a dolphin fin ( the dolphin was under water) I have no photo to collaborate or second eye witness, but a fin I saw. other randomness: they have flocks of pelicans that dive into the water for meals, an impressive sight, given their size.

I forget how good it is to be with people who know you, and care about you. Cj and his groupies live deeply connected and with so much care and love for one another.

It was revitalizing to be included in all the lov'n. We camped strolled, built fires, played in the nightly bio- luminescence ocean, swam, and net fished ( above photo).

Michelle and I tried it in the ocean (its meant for a calm bay), and had little success besides entertaining the beer bellied fisherman near by. In the bay the next day, with netting success, we reveled and gawked over all the sea creatures we could capture. Cj's website, http://www.catchlightart.com/ has it well documented. We watched in awe and shock as a crab (who had vengefully attacked Cj moments before) cut a fish in two and ate it.

*******

Two weeks later I returned to the ocean, with a group of strangers. Yup, I broke all the rules, I talked with strangers, got into a car with strangers, and let them take me away for the weekend. I did it all for the sake of community. :)

If nothing else my vagabond state this past year has stripped me of any fear of people I don't know. I can gather the life story of a rock and love doing it!

Luckily I had some nice people to talk to and wasn't left talking with rocks. The group was made up of other young adults who were connected with a church I had been visiting and the weekend was focused on learning about community. The Church is going through a lot right now and in general is a little...hmm. lets say pastel, ( not nitty gritty or in the grime of living, too much suburbia for my taste) but it's heart is in the right place. I met many people with different passions, and felt welcomed.

Its all about picking quality strangers :)

It was quite a treat to be swimming, sunning and playing beach volley ball in late October. I'm sheepishly looking forward to a mild winter; I'm growing broccoli and spinach outside still!

The time in between the ocean visits have been about finding my rhythm and role in my internship and with all the people I have been meeting. Currently I'm looking for a job, as my internship is free labour, and I like clothes, gasoline, and food too much to survive without money!

The leaves here are GORGEOUS. I have never seen colors quite like them before, its hard to believe they exist in nature. I'll try to capture some photos.

May you all have a chance to embrace a loved one in the crisp fall sunshine, sip cider and watch leaves drift ( i want a photo if you are able to do it all at once)!

Cheers Loves!!

An ode to Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile.”

Ah, 'tis then I love to wander,
Wander idly and alone,
Listening to the solemn music
Of sweet nature's undertone;
Wrapt in thoughts I cannot utter,
Dreams my tongue cannot express,
Dreams that match the autumn's sadness
In their longing tenderness."
- Mortimer Crane Brown, Autumn Dreams

Hot chocolate vs the avalanche

My internship has been getting underway, each day building on the one before. I like the hospital setting with all the people, possibilities and bustling. 25,000 people work at Duke hospital, to give you a sense of its size. If I try multi tasking while walking I quickly find myself exploring new units, wings and floors, as I try to wander my way back to where I was going.

I hesitate to say much for reasons of confidentiality about my internship. If you were locked on a psych ward ( or your loved one was) what would you feel comfortable having the social work intern posting about it on the world wide web?

I'll try to paint a generalized picture of what we do. I think i can best describe mental health struggles as an avalanche. Some people have the resources, skills and people to see the warning signs and avoid getting caught in an avalanche, others get caught in small snow banks, but have family, Drs and tools to get out, or be quickly retrieved when crisis overtakes them .

I spend my 30 hours a week, listening to many people discuss, share observations and solutions of 18 patients who have been catapulted, swept out of the control and safety and buried in an avalanche ( in some cases for years) of the most terrifying, debilitating crisis of life.

If they have made it to us, the adult acute care psychiatric locked ward, they have tried to kill themselves and failed, or are acting in bizarre enough ways that their family, friends or law enforcement fear they are a danger to themselves or others. This sounds intense and dramatic, and in one sense it is that extreme. But by the time they reach us they are sedated, or soon will be, so mostly the patients spend their time eating, watching TV, attending activities- taebo, crafts, life skills groups ect... and sleeping while on the ward.

I see us as trying to find them admist the snow of jumbled, tightly packed, sometimes vast field of symptoms and variables. We poke, questions, analyze and try to create an air hole so they know which way is up. The goal of their stay is for the treatment team to find a medication that can give them enough of their mind and function back to make them capable of being in society and making sure they have someone on the outside who can continue to assist them once they leave.

We stabilize, not heal. We do not delve into thier past, do therapy, or discuss the pros and cons of thier choices and its outcomes. Someone else comes in and does DBT ( a form of therapy directed at changing behavior). Duke is known for its advances in ECT treatments ( electric shock therapy) so they are sometimes sent for this. If we do our Job, we offer an airhole, a way to know which way is up, a glimpse of hope when it seemed the crushing weight of the mental illness that coccooned you into this state, is all life will ever be.

As my supervisor puts it, if we didnt do this who would?. It sounds like a disservice, when someone is suffering so much that all we do is offer meds, but in reality, this is a solution they can afford and maintain.

I have very little contact with the actual patients at this point. I go in and listen to the Dr's and med students when they interview them daily, I help contact resources in the community that can be helpful for them when they leave. Some stay for a day, others for a month, rarely more than 3 weeks. Average is about a week and a 1/2.

It would be easy to be depressed seeing such hopeless, hurting people and knowing my role, or what I can do it so minimal given the size of their struggle, but When we are dealing with these basic of life issues, the need for love and the way to provide it seems pretty clear. I see my role as kinda like the one who hands out hot chocolate to the rescue team on the avalanche rescue, it doesn't do much directly for the one we are searching for, but every small things can make a difference. What I have to offer them is a smile, support to the nurses- the ones digging in the snow day in and out, while the Dr's observe and direct, make suggestions and with the client's offer eye contact, respect as people even in their crazyness.

If I wanted the glory and control, I would have become a psychiatrist, ( ive defenintly been contemplating if Ive made the right choice in this mileu) but I know i make some pretty good hot chocolate, and its not what I do, but how and why I do it, that can make all the difference in the world.

I'll think about that tomorrow"~ Scarlett O Hara

I have found living space. I have a real bed and roof and address!

its 2701 Sparger RD Durham NC 277055

I have started my internship and it will be a learning experience; as always, navigating the channels on interpersonal ego relations, will be the first dance steps to learn. For example DO NOT refer to the Attending as the "real DRs", When trying to decipher between Attendings and Residences. Don't worry, I'm cute,and they seem to have forgiven the faux paux :). I also caught a BIG oversight before it was disasterous that an Attending made and the resident got to take credit for it ( rightly so) , so I think i'm back in thier graces. ( Way to loong and anticlimatic story to tell).

Weekends have been spent scouring thrift stores for furniture that is cheeep and cute and fits in my car, so far I have found a coat rack for a dollar and a very sturdy chair; desk, shelves and the rest to go!

This rest of this blog is the rambling tangent of me who has been living alone in a sunrooom, with a chiwauwa, I feel like a have a squirrel on a leash when I take it for walks- which translates to too much time in my head-

It has all worked out, not perfection but pleasent all the same. I say not perfection, because it's not the ideal and being less than ideal is something I'm always striving to find the balance in.

You see I'm learning how much easier it is to look at what everyone else has and wish, want desire that. I wonder if I should have kept looking for housing (or--- fill in the blank) or been satified with what I have. It applies to so much more than just housing; it's a internal dialouge I constantly have. Is this good enough, although its not "great", am I settling or is there something more "out there"? And then that lovely God element comes in, is this "what He has for me and I therfore I should be satisfied", or do I need to be "faithful" and wait until God provides something that "feels right"? I feel like Im playing a battle ships board game with christianesy catch phrases,- which launched advice bombs will hit the right battle ship answer?

How do I be satisfied with what I have, but be open to somthing better? I cant figure out how to be committed to where I am, if I'm always looking to change it? Again this applies across the board in so many different areas of life, from Job, living, relationships and beyond.

I realize others envy my life, I am the epitomy of free. I have no one relying on me, my ambitions, pursuits, time, choices are my own. Few people ever have the chance to fully experience this. But to be this free, I am alone. Everyone says I'm brave. Why, what other option do they see I have?

And although I have always experienced aloneness, here, in a far off land, without a built in social network, lonliness has a heavier calaminity to it. I am fighting to not fill it with activities, random people, or pity, but am getting to the place where I am trying to just go slow enough to experience it, not fight it but find the good in it, in the solitude. Like being alone, with myself.

It inst natural, nor all together negative.

I'll end on a lighter note-

my room mate is a lovely lady who is an ER nurse and owner of the chiwauwa and house.

I found some amazing "southern veggies" to experiment with at the farmer's margret- such as thick skined HUGE grape like fruit things, miniture round green and white eggplants, Crazy looking tomatoes, and eggs as big as my fist- for real!!!

The people here are ridiulously kind and im learning to talk reeeaalll slooooow and polite like.

I revel in the accents!!

I'm reading and loving Confederates in your attic ( compliments of my father) to enhance my southern experieince. SO facinanting.

May you all feel blessed by what you have and what you live without.

you all are my web of salvation

I am lonely and in a new place where I only know a few people's people. I definitely spent a good amount of my forever long drive asking myself what possessed me to decide to pick the farthest place away from all that I love, to live for an awkward 9 months and not think about how difficult that would be?!??

So I need to be searching for housing, setting up my life, getting on top of my forever long to do list, or at least updating you on all the fantastic and sordid things that life has held these last couple months.

But I cant because the only thing I can keep mulling over is how profound people connections are. Networks and connection have been my saving grace these last couple of months, they define so much of what I experience. The only difference between me and a homeless person, is who I know. Yes my social, economic, family, race, religion all influence who I know and therefore who I am connected to, but the money I have, or what my religion is isn't what keeps me from being homeless ( or a millionaire) its the people that I associate with because of these parts of my identity.

I see it on so many levels. who I choose as my friends at Smith, although varied and I thought I was open to all, I ended up being with people mostly similar to myself. There is a whole conversation to be had about the reason we gravitate to those that we are like. We are similar on many levels, but diverse on others. I leave that thought line there, so as to get to my point....

My entire trip across the country I relied and was cared for by the hospitality of others. Dear friends, allowed me to show up late at night, sleep in their beds, eat their food, and leave again. I had several friends I didn't get to see because I had options of several different people in the 3 state area I could stay with. Although there is some sense of "we are friends, of course they want me to stay", and " if they are friends with me, they know I am unpredictable, time optimist, who has no concept of when I will be there, or be leaving and love me anyway and want me to stay". But I realize this is alot to ask, and am blown away by how kind and welcoming all are.

Then there are friends of friends. This is a stretch, with more anxiety, need for common graciousness, but still within in the reach of normal asking of I know you, and them, you are both are the type where this is not big deal, great! there were awkward run ins with the roommate, but a free bed and bathroom made it worth all social awkwardness. In reflection, I would do the same, ( offer my home, my space) but how phenomenal of a complete stranger to say to another complete stranger, of course, here is my home, enjoy use what you need, you are welcome here?

IN Ireland a lovely couple i met there emailed their friend's in Durham and that couple although they no longer live in Durham have been a huge resource of information of churches, local info, and offered several housing options.

Then I arrive in Durham. One of my nearest and dearest calls her nearest and dearest and says, I have a friend coming to town can she crash? Of course, comes the response!

But now that stranger is me, and I miss calculate distance and arrive in the middle of the night ( "no problem- we'll leave the door unlocked"), "how many nights would I like to stay?" a couple, I need pick one of the housing choices I have, I say. But before I meet them ( married couple) all my known housing option fall through and I have no where to live and am staying with beloved of beloved, but I have never met them and now neither of us know how long I am welcome to stay or need to stay!

And so yesterday I was faced with letting go of my last housing option because of a ethical delima, so I called my family and asked for prayer, as to give this up means I have only a couple of stranger's air mattress or a few people I could ask if I could stay some time, but really hate being sooo desperate, and helpless.

Instantaneously, a social network webs spun across the continent to form a safety net. An email my dad sends to a Portland friend asking if he knows anyone brings about a man here in Durham who is willing to contact his church family which produces two people who say I can stay with, all within a matter of hours.

my sister- in law jumps on line and finds churches with housing classifieds, as my Internet isn't working, so frantic searching isn't available to ease my mounting stress, and of course when I return home to dinner with my friend's friends they say I can stay as long as I need.

I am pretty sure there are several others contacts from my program that if I was in a bind would offer me a to stay.

As I searched for community of believers to live with ( my ideal for current living, although not what it looks like is going to be what happens) I have been reading Bonhoeffer's book on the topic this morning. It talks about our need for Christ being what creates the community, the common need to have God's truth, and our belief of our need of Christ, our common understanding how helpless we are on our own, spoken to us by others.

How powerfully I experienced the true sense of community of believers. its not just who I live with, but who I am relation with, who confirms that I don't need to make ethical compromises, or those I don't even know who reach out to others to meet a need without hesitation because of their experience of truth and love.

So as I search the Internet and hold back tears of helplessness and frustration, and sleep on air mattresses and get mad at myself that I am having to live off the handouts of others, I experience God.

I have community that is not bound to a house, a town, Continent or world, but to a God who although does not promise to make everything smooth, (Im sure I would have had a worthwhile experience if I ended up being homeless) God would still be good.

I started to say i am thankful that I am not homeless, than realized no I AM homeless. I am thankful I have people who have experienced grace and love and are willing to offer it to me through sending emails, meals and air mattresses, so that in my homelessness I am clean and safe!

Don't panic family, just pray I find a place where I am filled with peace when I think about living there. :)

and the beat goes on

For the last month and a half I have read, talked, thought, read, written, and then sleep a bit, eat, and occasionally take on a laundry mat, swim and bike ride. Actually I'm doing more playing than I should.., too many great people to know and play with! I've backpacked, hiked, biked, went to concerts, and had many great conversations.

The rain has kept the humidity away up until this last week, so I'm beginning to appreciate the dreary days of the last month, they really make studying 15 hours a day much more feasible than the sunshine and hot humid afternoons.

I'm going to post some of the articles I've been reading to let you all in on the clinical social work world.try google scholar to search for them, I dont think the link will work. I cant figure out how to attach documents to blogs, so i cant share my writing on the subject. I'm learning lots about social justice, individual development, policies, thearpy techniques, diagnois and all the implications, ins outs, up and down sides, backs, fronts, shadows, past present and future of it all.

I think the best analogy for the experience is summer camp... super fun, great intense, connecting with many different people, lots of little bits of fascinating things... or maybe its best described as being held underwater for 10 weeks, where you struggle, panic, think your going to die from all the stress, unable to learn,process, internalize it all, then enter into a state of peace with it, at which point they yank you out and send you out into the world to be a social workers.... maybe a little of both- drowning summer camp.

I'll head back to my beloved west for packing up and road tripping my way to North Carolina mid august, where I begin my internship at Duke University psych ward starting september 8th!

The vagabond state has me shedding belongings and living in creative ways of cheapness, trying not to panic about the details ( like where to live or how im going to pay for cost of living) I just cant find time to take care of. I choose instead when I'm riding my bike to class, dancing to the reggae band, reading/attending lectures to wrap my mind around the health care system and possible ways to make policy change, to I notice my life is an incredible blessing full of people, experiences, options, information and privilege- life is always uncertain, bumpy, not quite all I thought, and pretty amazing because of it. I hope you all know how much I like/love/miss you and hope you have a moment where life feels life an blessing to great to comprehend... in between all the chaos.

If you do nothing else, look up the philidelphia kinsington homeless movement of women. Facinating social movement

DeJong, P., Berg, I.K. (2001). Co-constructing cooperation with mandated clients. Social Work , 46(4), (pp 361-374)

Schlosser, L.Z. (2003). Christian privilege: Breaking a sacred taboo. Journal of Multicultural Counseling and Development, 3, 44-51.

Deegan, P. (2002). Recovering our sense of value after being labeled mentally ill. In Adams, M. et al (editors). Readings for diversity and social justice. NY: Routledge (pp 359-363)

McIntosh, P. (2004). White Privilege: Unpacking the invisible knapsack. In M. Andersen and P.L. Collins (Eds.) Race, class and gender, (5th ed.). Belmont, CA : Wadsworth. (pp. 103-108).

Miller J. & Garran A.M. (2008). Social identity formation and group membership. In Racism in the United States : implications for the helping professions, (pp.103-133) . Belmont, CA : Thompson Brooks/Cole.

Karger, H. J. & Stoesz, D. (2010). American social welfare policy: A pluralist approach (5th ed.). Boston : Allyn & Bacon, (Chapter 13 – Mental health and substance abuse policy, 338-367). HV95 .K354 2010 [on print reserve].

Zamora , M. F. & Moffit, R. E. (2007). Does America need national health insurance? (pp. 45-62). In H. J. Karger, J. Midgley, P. A. Kindle, & C. B. Brown. (Eds.). Controversial issues in socialpolicy (3rd ed.) . Boston : Allyn and Bacon. HN59.2 .C66 2007 [on print reserve].