I'll think about that tomorrow"~ Scarlett O Hara

I have found living space. I have a real bed and roof and address!

its 2701 Sparger RD Durham NC 277055

I have started my internship and it will be a learning experience; as always, navigating the channels on interpersonal ego relations, will be the first dance steps to learn. For example DO NOT refer to the Attending as the "real DRs", When trying to decipher between Attendings and Residences. Don't worry, I'm cute,and they seem to have forgiven the faux paux :). I also caught a BIG oversight before it was disasterous that an Attending made and the resident got to take credit for it ( rightly so) , so I think i'm back in thier graces. ( Way to loong and anticlimatic story to tell).

Weekends have been spent scouring thrift stores for furniture that is cheeep and cute and fits in my car, so far I have found a coat rack for a dollar and a very sturdy chair; desk, shelves and the rest to go!

This rest of this blog is the rambling tangent of me who has been living alone in a sunrooom, with a chiwauwa, I feel like a have a squirrel on a leash when I take it for walks- which translates to too much time in my head-

It has all worked out, not perfection but pleasent all the same. I say not perfection, because it's not the ideal and being less than ideal is something I'm always striving to find the balance in.

You see I'm learning how much easier it is to look at what everyone else has and wish, want desire that. I wonder if I should have kept looking for housing (or--- fill in the blank) or been satified with what I have. It applies to so much more than just housing; it's a internal dialouge I constantly have. Is this good enough, although its not "great", am I settling or is there something more "out there"? And then that lovely God element comes in, is this "what He has for me and I therfore I should be satisfied", or do I need to be "faithful" and wait until God provides something that "feels right"? I feel like Im playing a battle ships board game with christianesy catch phrases,- which launched advice bombs will hit the right battle ship answer?

How do I be satisfied with what I have, but be open to somthing better? I cant figure out how to be committed to where I am, if I'm always looking to change it? Again this applies across the board in so many different areas of life, from Job, living, relationships and beyond.

I realize others envy my life, I am the epitomy of free. I have no one relying on me, my ambitions, pursuits, time, choices are my own. Few people ever have the chance to fully experience this. But to be this free, I am alone. Everyone says I'm brave. Why, what other option do they see I have?

And although I have always experienced aloneness, here, in a far off land, without a built in social network, lonliness has a heavier calaminity to it. I am fighting to not fill it with activities, random people, or pity, but am getting to the place where I am trying to just go slow enough to experience it, not fight it but find the good in it, in the solitude. Like being alone, with myself.

It inst natural, nor all together negative.

I'll end on a lighter note-

my room mate is a lovely lady who is an ER nurse and owner of the chiwauwa and house.

I found some amazing "southern veggies" to experiment with at the farmer's margret- such as thick skined HUGE grape like fruit things, miniture round green and white eggplants, Crazy looking tomatoes, and eggs as big as my fist- for real!!!

The people here are ridiulously kind and im learning to talk reeeaalll slooooow and polite like.

I revel in the accents!!

I'm reading and loving Confederates in your attic ( compliments of my father) to enhance my southern experieince. SO facinanting.

May you all feel blessed by what you have and what you live without.

you all are my web of salvation

I am lonely and in a new place where I only know a few people's people. I definitely spent a good amount of my forever long drive asking myself what possessed me to decide to pick the farthest place away from all that I love, to live for an awkward 9 months and not think about how difficult that would be?!??

So I need to be searching for housing, setting up my life, getting on top of my forever long to do list, or at least updating you on all the fantastic and sordid things that life has held these last couple months.

But I cant because the only thing I can keep mulling over is how profound people connections are. Networks and connection have been my saving grace these last couple of months, they define so much of what I experience. The only difference between me and a homeless person, is who I know. Yes my social, economic, family, race, religion all influence who I know and therefore who I am connected to, but the money I have, or what my religion is isn't what keeps me from being homeless ( or a millionaire) its the people that I associate with because of these parts of my identity.

I see it on so many levels. who I choose as my friends at Smith, although varied and I thought I was open to all, I ended up being with people mostly similar to myself. There is a whole conversation to be had about the reason we gravitate to those that we are like. We are similar on many levels, but diverse on others. I leave that thought line there, so as to get to my point....

My entire trip across the country I relied and was cared for by the hospitality of others. Dear friends, allowed me to show up late at night, sleep in their beds, eat their food, and leave again. I had several friends I didn't get to see because I had options of several different people in the 3 state area I could stay with. Although there is some sense of "we are friends, of course they want me to stay", and " if they are friends with me, they know I am unpredictable, time optimist, who has no concept of when I will be there, or be leaving and love me anyway and want me to stay". But I realize this is alot to ask, and am blown away by how kind and welcoming all are.

Then there are friends of friends. This is a stretch, with more anxiety, need for common graciousness, but still within in the reach of normal asking of I know you, and them, you are both are the type where this is not big deal, great! there were awkward run ins with the roommate, but a free bed and bathroom made it worth all social awkwardness. In reflection, I would do the same, ( offer my home, my space) but how phenomenal of a complete stranger to say to another complete stranger, of course, here is my home, enjoy use what you need, you are welcome here?

IN Ireland a lovely couple i met there emailed their friend's in Durham and that couple although they no longer live in Durham have been a huge resource of information of churches, local info, and offered several housing options.

Then I arrive in Durham. One of my nearest and dearest calls her nearest and dearest and says, I have a friend coming to town can she crash? Of course, comes the response!

But now that stranger is me, and I miss calculate distance and arrive in the middle of the night ( "no problem- we'll leave the door unlocked"), "how many nights would I like to stay?" a couple, I need pick one of the housing choices I have, I say. But before I meet them ( married couple) all my known housing option fall through and I have no where to live and am staying with beloved of beloved, but I have never met them and now neither of us know how long I am welcome to stay or need to stay!

And so yesterday I was faced with letting go of my last housing option because of a ethical delima, so I called my family and asked for prayer, as to give this up means I have only a couple of stranger's air mattress or a few people I could ask if I could stay some time, but really hate being sooo desperate, and helpless.

Instantaneously, a social network webs spun across the continent to form a safety net. An email my dad sends to a Portland friend asking if he knows anyone brings about a man here in Durham who is willing to contact his church family which produces two people who say I can stay with, all within a matter of hours.

my sister- in law jumps on line and finds churches with housing classifieds, as my Internet isn't working, so frantic searching isn't available to ease my mounting stress, and of course when I return home to dinner with my friend's friends they say I can stay as long as I need.

I am pretty sure there are several others contacts from my program that if I was in a bind would offer me a to stay.

As I searched for community of believers to live with ( my ideal for current living, although not what it looks like is going to be what happens) I have been reading Bonhoeffer's book on the topic this morning. It talks about our need for Christ being what creates the community, the common need to have God's truth, and our belief of our need of Christ, our common understanding how helpless we are on our own, spoken to us by others.

How powerfully I experienced the true sense of community of believers. its not just who I live with, but who I am relation with, who confirms that I don't need to make ethical compromises, or those I don't even know who reach out to others to meet a need without hesitation because of their experience of truth and love.

So as I search the Internet and hold back tears of helplessness and frustration, and sleep on air mattresses and get mad at myself that I am having to live off the handouts of others, I experience God.

I have community that is not bound to a house, a town, Continent or world, but to a God who although does not promise to make everything smooth, (Im sure I would have had a worthwhile experience if I ended up being homeless) God would still be good.

I started to say i am thankful that I am not homeless, than realized no I AM homeless. I am thankful I have people who have experienced grace and love and are willing to offer it to me through sending emails, meals and air mattresses, so that in my homelessness I am clean and safe!

Don't panic family, just pray I find a place where I am filled with peace when I think about living there. :)

and the beat goes on

For the last month and a half I have read, talked, thought, read, written, and then sleep a bit, eat, and occasionally take on a laundry mat, swim and bike ride. Actually I'm doing more playing than I should.., too many great people to know and play with! I've backpacked, hiked, biked, went to concerts, and had many great conversations.

The rain has kept the humidity away up until this last week, so I'm beginning to appreciate the dreary days of the last month, they really make studying 15 hours a day much more feasible than the sunshine and hot humid afternoons.

I'm going to post some of the articles I've been reading to let you all in on the clinical social work world.try google scholar to search for them, I dont think the link will work. I cant figure out how to attach documents to blogs, so i cant share my writing on the subject. I'm learning lots about social justice, individual development, policies, thearpy techniques, diagnois and all the implications, ins outs, up and down sides, backs, fronts, shadows, past present and future of it all.

I think the best analogy for the experience is summer camp... super fun, great intense, connecting with many different people, lots of little bits of fascinating things... or maybe its best described as being held underwater for 10 weeks, where you struggle, panic, think your going to die from all the stress, unable to learn,process, internalize it all, then enter into a state of peace with it, at which point they yank you out and send you out into the world to be a social workers.... maybe a little of both- drowning summer camp.

I'll head back to my beloved west for packing up and road tripping my way to North Carolina mid august, where I begin my internship at Duke University psych ward starting september 8th!

The vagabond state has me shedding belongings and living in creative ways of cheapness, trying not to panic about the details ( like where to live or how im going to pay for cost of living) I just cant find time to take care of. I choose instead when I'm riding my bike to class, dancing to the reggae band, reading/attending lectures to wrap my mind around the health care system and possible ways to make policy change, to I notice my life is an incredible blessing full of people, experiences, options, information and privilege- life is always uncertain, bumpy, not quite all I thought, and pretty amazing because of it. I hope you all know how much I like/love/miss you and hope you have a moment where life feels life an blessing to great to comprehend... in between all the chaos.

If you do nothing else, look up the philidelphia kinsington homeless movement of women. Facinating social movement

DeJong, P., Berg, I.K. (2001). Co-constructing cooperation with mandated clients. Social Work , 46(4), (pp 361-374)

Schlosser, L.Z. (2003). Christian privilege: Breaking a sacred taboo. Journal of Multicultural Counseling and Development, 3, 44-51.

Deegan, P. (2002). Recovering our sense of value after being labeled mentally ill. In Adams, M. et al (editors). Readings for diversity and social justice. NY: Routledge (pp 359-363)

McIntosh, P. (2004). White Privilege: Unpacking the invisible knapsack. In M. Andersen and P.L. Collins (Eds.) Race, class and gender, (5th ed.). Belmont, CA : Wadsworth. (pp. 103-108).

Miller J. & Garran A.M. (2008). Social identity formation and group membership. In Racism in the United States : implications for the helping professions, (pp.103-133) . Belmont, CA : Thompson Brooks/Cole.

Karger, H. J. & Stoesz, D. (2010). American social welfare policy: A pluralist approach (5th ed.). Boston : Allyn & Bacon, (Chapter 13 – Mental health and substance abuse policy, 338-367). HV95 .K354 2010 [on print reserve].

Zamora , M. F. & Moffit, R. E. (2007). Does America need national health insurance? (pp. 45-62). In H. J. Karger, J. Midgley, P. A. Kindle, & C. B. Brown. (Eds.). Controversial issues in socialpolicy (3rd ed.) . Boston : Allyn and Bacon. HN59.2 .C66 2007 [on print reserve].

One of these things is not like the others

Although I know blogs without photos are not as fun, I will keep writing to continue to be inspired to add photos later.

This is another one of those difficult things to try to begin as I'm in the middle and where it started and how it will all end isn't clear yet.

I am here in Northampton MA. The "vibe" is alot like a pocket of the northwest on the east coast. Earth friendly, crunchy hippie, laid back, free loving living. I feel very at home.
I am starting my third week of class, which puts me into midterms at Smith. We do a year of work ( two semesters) in ten weeks.
My room is working out swimmingly. The house was built in 1716. I am living in the back corner, the rest is a museum. The lady who I am sharing the apartment with is kind, and my room is swell. I have had the place to my self for two of the 3 weekends and have been able to have people over. There is also a kitchen garden I get to pick lettuce, carrots and berries from!!

Intense isn't a long enough or weighty enough word to describe the experience thus far.
There is an Identity to being at Smith, I was completely unaware of. Its feels like a preacher who joins the Vatican, without ever really knowing that much about the Holy Catholic Church or the significance of the Vatican. At Smith there is quite an identity of belonging to something bigger and greater than yourself, encapsulating a lineage of history, a standard of excellence that pays tribute that history of Smithies who have defined the field of social work. I didn't know much about the field, let alone Smith's role or contribution. I feel like I'm wearing the robes, but its not going to take much for the others to see "that one of these things is not like the others".

In areas of social justice, and anti racism, I would never consider my self ignorant, but the more I am learning I just might be.
We have been learning about "white privilege". The fact that I am white, upper class, heterosexual, christian means that I am part of the dominant class, which means I have the privilege to be unaware. If you are male, Christian or agnostic (both are dominant) you are even more "privileged". This would all still be theoretical learning for me and something I may only cognitively process, if I wasn't in Northampton.

Here at Smith being a white, heterosexual, Christan makes me a minority and thus I have experienced a minute sense of what minorities experience. If I was male it would be even a smaller population ( entering class has 13 men and 97 women). At least half of the women are lesbians ( Smith undergraduate is an all female college).

Its totally different to accept and love when someone is the minority, anomaly, but when I am the minority and they are the majority its a whole another boat, " sexual diversity" is a very important topic here, yet I haven't yet formed any solid stance or beliefs on the matter ( that would be a bizarre concept to vocalize here);. It would be like saying I'm not sure what my thoughts are on rain, if its wrong or in God's plan... while everyone around me is doing the rain dance, in the rain forest. And I'm questioning it because.... shhh- I'm christian, talk about feeling the need for a closet to hide in! Most would be resistant to me if they heard I was a Christan because of the stereotypes, or experiences they have had with Christians.


Although I still cringe when I say christian ( instead of follower of Christ, or another progressive term) I feel like I shouldn't hide or change the title to make it more socially acceptable. For better or worse, I belong to the hypocritical, close minded, sometimes racist, broken, hate filled church, ( if we are being honest, at some point I am all of those things too) because they follow, believe and need Christ and I say I do, so despite what a horrible rep Christians have earned, I am one of them ( this belief is a part of a bigger philosophy of a little radical wearing a sandwich board on a soap box in my head, I can share more at a later time).

I am getting it, in a room full of people few have the same ideological beliefs and views of life, I look for people that are the same as me, so I can feel comfortable and know that its ok to be me, there are others like me.I find myself being wary of the large group so many identify with, for I don't know how to interact, and don't want to be offensive.

Since this is barely a taste of what it means to be a minority, I get it; my ability to be oblivious to racism, not have prejudices against me for most of my life, be like most of the people around me, means I am a part of the privileged class. I have little concept of how race impacts others, and its not right to be so oblivious to the suffering of other religions, races and the vast majority of people in the world, specifically the USA, just because I am not one of them. Thank goodness I'm going to the south, where I will continue to be a minority, on so many levels so I will continue to learn this lesson.

So while learning that, trying to make friends, settle into a new town, coming to terms with living in poverty ( another sandwich board wearing radical guy rant, I'm embracing) , I am doing my masters. How amazing is it to have my sole occupation and purpose be to sit around and read about the most fascinating topics to me and be surrounded by others who are also passionate about reading and learning those same things? Its alot, at least 500pgs a week to read and be able to apply to five different classes, and several papers, group project on top of that. Every night there are lectures, documentaries, and activities I am able to attend as well.

Its alot like yoga, you grunt moan and sweat your way through it, sure your body wasn't meant let alone is able to bend or get into those positions. If you continue to practice, breath, focus on balance, and try, the pain and challenge of all that is new, molds you into a stronger person who becomes capable of accomplishing things you weren't even aware were possible for people to do.

I wanted to keep this going, but I have neglected to write as I wanted to add pictures, but I discovered I left the cable in Ireland, and well the sequencing story goes on from there. If you don't know the theory of sequencing, look it up, its the story of the woes life.

My past two months, April and May, were sooo full of all that I love calling and coming home to.

I will add photos... at some point . Now I am going stick to a list of run on sentences of event-please forgive me if I overlook something and add it in comments!

One week with my dear mom road tripping the eastern land from Dc to Penn, Conn, Virgina, Mass, NY, Delaware, RI, and some other indistinguishable states in between. We ate mostly ice cream and coffee, followed whatever little line on the map we fancied and bunked in funky B&B's. I was inspired by Abe Lincoln, found many quaint barns, was debunked in the search for Amish, (they do NOT, mill about in Lancaster, nor do they clog the freeway with their buggies for my photographing pleasures ( they only come to market on Tues and Saturday for tourist; it was a wed). A drive by trip to Smith to see my school and panic about my lack of housing, led us to the eastern coast for more ice cream, white sand and bonding at a B&B. A wonderful mom I have!


Home, sweet Oregon HOme!

So I'm bias, but no where in the world smells as good as Oregon, it is indescribable, I'll keep an open mind, but Oregon still hasn't been topped in its greatness.


My dog- who knew you could miss a furry, wiggly, four legged lump so much?


My brother and wife and baby in the belly- love them and being with them and talking and laughing and being a part of them.

A week at the coast- I hope the ocean never stops capturing me and grounding me every time I visit and stand at sunset in silence.

My time was blessed with visits from my mom, grandmas and aunt, then my dear life long friends who challenge, inspire, laugh and loves me. I got to see another set of the same with another baby in a belly.

Many people, family and friends I was able to have coffee, lunch, tea, a hike, an evening, a phone call with and reconnect to all who make life meaningful.( yay to having a cell phone again!- then it took a suicide plunge into the ocean)

A weekend with my parents at wild horse canyon for life 101. My first time back since I graduated highschool- it was enriching, challenging, great to see my parents in a different setting and the rugged weather, time scoured hills and plains of gorgeous eastern Oregon. I could watch the sun color the hills in ever changing ways for days.

I made a quilt!!! For three years I promised my brother a t-shirt quilt at Christmas and his birthday and before his 29th birthday ( with help of a certain mother with a knack for cutting straight) I finished it! In case you were wondering what I did in between all my wanderings I thought I would keep you from worrying about me being a lazy, unemployed bum.

And then....

My dad I set the last weekend before I went to school for our BIG adventure. We had been planning and training and psyching ourselves up for...... a trip to Napa for wine tasting and fine food. Very similar to the mountain climbing we pre-bragged about.

The mountain climb was decommissioned due to a belly situation. You see a certain baby was still in a sister in laws belly, and some of us still had a belly ( okay all) that would keep us on solid ground. So we decided to embrace our bellies, and treat them to wine and chef's my dad and I would have few chances to ever experience again.

I won't go into detail as I would hate for you all to be so jealous you refuse to speak to me, or judge me. :)

But it was all you could ask for - GREAT food- ( i will never again be able to afford to please my tastebuds), and A fantastic wine experience. My dad let me show him how to travel cheap to make up for the... ahem... elevated style of living. He slept in a railroad car, we drove there, ate leftovers and restrained wine purchases. He was considerate of my concerns and vows of poverty ( social work degree from elite school=poverty) and took them in stride. I bought the coffee both mornings. For the finale we skimmed the redwoods on the way home and even just an hour or so of gazing had me redefining majestic

AND THEN.....

I became an AUNT!!!! ( ok so its has little to do with me or my doings but..) This is when I really wish my camera was working, you can't believe how gorgeous she is, again I'm bias, but not blind, nor going to lie. SHe is perfectly golden, round, loong, puckered lipped, darling. No misshapen newborn- Ive been growing in a uterus upside down and just gone through 24 hours of life giving / endangering trauma- look . Really NEVA Ann is oh, oh so so precious.

With greeting my niece off my to do list I decided I best be off to school. So I sorted and gave away most of my remaining belongings and headed east.

I'll add pictures, but if you ( anyone) honestly reads ALL of this, the coffee is on me next time!!!

Smith/ being a Smithy/ NoHo/ friends/ rooms/ life inbetween clinical social work books/ white privledge/new churches to come...

April 15th
I made it stateside! a car, 3 buses, 1 plane, 3 trains, and a final car ride has taken me to DC ( you gotta love the adventures of economical travel). That was two weeks ago.


I spent 4 days with CJ in Washington DC. My time was tranquil. I slept, went to city things ( aka cultural e events) in the evening with my dear bro. A poetry reading at intimidatingly cool cafe ( maybe I have been living among mountains, trees, farmland and sheeps too long, everyone was ethnic, gorgeous and uber hip ( see, I don't even know the cool word for cool) ). The poetry was the same. We spent Saturday at a art walk in a "sketchy" neighborhood in DC. Antocostia is not a place where urban grunge coffee shops and vintage clothing store make it a place where white people can live in a "sketchy" part. Its where normally I would need to lock my doors and find the nearest interstate entrance. I was humbled in my stereotypes as I saw the beauty these people living in poverty and oppression, saturated in violence could create, the community support and identity they fostered.

I was able to stroll in the cherry blossoms, and free museums to add to the bliss stated above.

Easter was remarkable.
We, the ADAMS Family, known for our fondness of sleep, and time optimism actually made it to a sunrise Easter service on time!
The Parents joined Cj and I for the early morning trek to Arlington Cemetery before dawn. As the sun rose over the thousands of marble reminders of lost lives, we sang about and celebrated the hope we live for, creating a juxtaposistion that brought stillness to remember that the pain, confusion, and brokenness is not the end, He arose!
There were doves involved- I kidd you not.

The rest of Easter continued with good ol fashioned American traditions of lots of food and napping . A picnic at the Lincoln memorial with a phenomenal concert celebrating Lincoln's 200year legacy and civil rights movement ending with Colin Powell ( a 1st generation Jamaican immigrant- did you know that?) swearing in 105 new American citizens- my heart swells- I'm proud to be an American.
It was all too much to summarize, it almost is a disservice to try, but alas, I must not neglect my blog. :)

heartbeats and deep breaths

Corrymeela and all the people within it have continued to teach, stretch and fill life here.
I led my first group two weekend ago. I was responsible for planning the team building activities and making sure everything was ready and continued to go smoothly for the group. The group was a team going to Kyrgyzstan with habitat for humanity. It was challenging and mostly successful weekend. I learned more about how to lead adults with experiential learning. Its not easy to convince a group of adults to "play along" especially so the can learn about themselves and how to be a team.

Another large group of school children( 60 -14-16 year olds) came and I helped with the ghost walk where we take the kids to a old Abby at night that is surrounded by an ancient graveyard. We read them a story about its sordid past beforehand, then other staff dress up in black and wander amongst the graves while we walk through. Its quite entertaining.

When I had a day off I visited the little island off the coast here. Rathlin has many claims to greatness and fame for its 6 mile girth. I enjoyed walking the roads in the persistent wind, savoring the rugged Irish scenes of stone cliffs, and shifting greens landscapes . I made sure to embrace the moment and read Irish poetry to my comrades, much to their chagrin as we strolled.

The week skipped past to the weekend where we had the opening of the volunteer housing, the Coventry. This was quite the event, which was attended by the president of Ireland, we all were able to shake her hand. I learned that Prince Charles, Mother Theresa, and the Dali lama have been their other building openers. They have their eye on Obama for the next one.

To make sure my days were fully used I had 3 other groups on Friday, the day of the presidential visit. I worked with a group of polish immigrants who are homeless in Belfast. A homeless agency raised funds so they could take some of them away for the weekend and give them some respite and health screening. It was humbling how thankful they were for the opportunity to be warm and dry. The one thing they kept saying over and over was how much it meant to be respected. So much of life I take for granted.

As the polish men were leaving a group of school children arrived for a day of cross community work. I spent the afternoon painting foam eggs and playing games in hopes of having the children speak with each other( protestant/ catholic schools) .

My last Corrymeela group arrived Friday evening. 35 kids from Belfast (cross community work) and 20 from Glasgow Scotland ( additional sectarian issues). I spent the weekend running games, washing dishes, making tea, perfecting my ghost act and sleeping any spare moment I found.

Sunday afternoon after waving goodbye to the last bus, I spent the afternoon in the most beautiful spot I have ever seen on a picnic with a newly dear friend. It is on a low cliff edge, surrounded by cherry blossoms, oak trees, and the remains of an ancient church. An idyllic way to reflect on my journey thus far.

As I reflected, I realized Monday meant I had to come to terms with the fact I was leaving. This morning after playing scrabble and talking waaaay to late into the night I packed my luggage eager to be heading home, but with a heavy heart to leave so many great people.
I am in Dublin tonight and with a hope and a prayer I plan to be back in the US of A tomorrow. I will be spending the weekend with my brother in DC ( easter yay!) and then will be finishing with a trip to Mass. with me mum to check out Smith and places to live amongst other details that arise when you move across the country.

Recognizing how long this summary is, reminds me how full life has been. I feel like this time is so far from a closing as its more a part of an unraveling.