February- thoughts and reflections

Living

A year has past (almost) since I started my blog, and the transient living.

My internship/ time in the South is over half way done. Somewhere along the way I fell for this place, these people, and find my self saddened by the thought of leaving. I am taking a wide open embraces of living and I'm learning that to make life full also means you will know when those arm are empty.

I'm finding lovely pockets of Durham to enjoy. I now know several places that offer quality coffee, and some fantastic mexican food ( what more could a girl need?), but overall Durham can be kinda blah. Shh dont tell the locals but I like chapel hill/Carrborro better. Athough Im not letting my ambitions die, I haven't been able to get out too much and see the south yet.

Life strums along.

I see people and am challenged on what makes normal? My job is to define, treat, and encourage the norm in people. I make judgment calls all day, and yet have this irking feeling that our common humanality is not in how close to "average" we become or feel.

I look at patients and am saddened that only occasionally do I see myself or my loved ones in them, for each and every one are the same as me and my loved ones. When I no longer see it, I've lost sight of the sense of the person, the humanity in them, and am only seeing the illness. (

I have found a great sense of connection through my pastel, suburban bible church. The community is diverse, although predominantly white. There are all ages, which is important, and I have found ways to be involved. I have been leading a monthly time of prayer. communion and worship and have loved having the freedom to be creative. We did foot washing and was blown away how vulnerable of an event washing someone's feet ( and letting another wash yours) can be. It is a challenge and I always need more time, but it has reminded me how much I enjoy public speaking,

So i'm continuing to be honored to be sharing lives, friendships, working to staying open, deeply investing despite potential separation that will come. I also appreciate the pace here, everything does move a bit slower, smoother, I'm secretly perfecting my southern drawl and learning how diverse a southern accent can be!

I feel bad for not having written in over a month. Some days I feel like I have nothing to say or want to publish and broadcast to the entire world, other days I feel there is too much to even begin to find the starting point. Currently I'm at the latter, but I have been so encouraged by all of you ( i.e my 10 family members and dear couple of friends :) )by you saying you like to read, and thus I will write.

Brief Update:

Still on the psych ward, feeling like I'm able to make a meaningful contribution. Meeting lots of people in different profession and patients with lots of different struggles.

Its over halfway done. At this point I feel like I am just making connections and settling into being in Durham, connecting with great people, finding community. And now I am really feeling the pangs of sadness about having to leave in a couple months.

Although it was COLD when I got back, the sun has been shining and I have been playing! I have been hiking, contra dancing ( watch a youtube video), eating yummy food, going to free events, volunteering, and spending time with people I like.

Thoughts, these are harder to tease apart as there have been many interlocking ideas. Themes of how we are so similar and so different, how we handle change defines so much of our experiences, attitudes and belief.

I'll start with yesterday, Martin Luther King day.

I felt like this was a really important day to "engage" with as it has great positive significance for the South and the community I live in. A southern experience I wanted to have.

The church I attend has a partnership with a African American BaptistChurch in South Durham, the mostly African American neighborhood, which sadly follows all stereotypes of poverty. We attended the church on Sunday and joined with them for a C/S project on Monday. I also attended a choir concert put on by a visiting African Children's Choir at DUKE, and went to a community wide MLK celebration service in the evening.

But some how I feel like I missed it. I don't know exactly what I was looking for, but I know I didn't find it. Maybe I was looking for inspiration, maybe I was looking for a sense of community, maybe I was looking for hope, a bit of what MLK sacrificed everything for.

I think I am realizing those feelings and accomplishments only exist in reflection. I thought alot about how sooo many people worked along side MLK, who are unknown, unremembered. How reluctant he himself was about doing the work he did, he was far from perfect, but every day struggled, for an ideal, a hope he could not possibly foresee ever occurring and never did. His greatness is celebrated because he is absent, he was given one day, how remarkable and how minute.

Only in summaries, resumes, descriptions are our actions noteworthy, inspiring and impressive. The actual living of them is not. My friends Danielle and Krispin are remarkable, admirable people, who are living their ideals, hopes and beliefs by choosing to live in poverty to be along side those Jesus commanded us all to help, love and be with. And they are miserable; the people they live alongside are ambivalent to their presence at best, and they do not get to experience very often the remarkableness of what they do. They sacrifice alot and life could be easier, better, if only they would compromise a little more.

The pastor who leads the church we partnered with here is a county commissioner and was praised by senators, representatives, mayors and many others at the evening service for all the remarkable and wonderful things he had done for his community. I spent the day crossing paths with him, and would not have believed they were describing the same Man. All day he was chased by pestualent worries ( the paint wasn't there for the volunteers to paint the walls, there were not scrapers to take off the old paint, the little old ladies chastised him for the lack of people vs the amount of food they were told to make,) his church has less than 50 people in it on Sunday, despite his passionate preaching.

Racism exist, poverty will always be present, violence is cyclical, people are fragile and heroes will eternally remain unsung until they aren't there to experience the singing. My friend who is the same age and brown ( her preferred ethnic identifier :)) was called a n-word in elementry school by her teacher. The west I sometime want to pretend is better, but I think about the roles Latinos play in our community and how they are treated. Because I am white I have the choice to be oblivious to how racism still exist. They do not.

Same with poverty and violence.
I guess I realize my drop in the bucket won't create inspiration or change that I can measure or experience or feel gratified by. But at least I will not be silent. The more you are in it the more you see the desperation and need in a situation.

Hope exist not in my actions making a difference but in a God who commands it, promising it is the most valuable thing I can do with my time, and breath.

Cocooning

Fall moments

The last couple of months have been synonymous with the season. It began with the end of something great, the warmth of summer, friends, and home; you know fall has arrived when the cold and dreariness begins.

Although it starts with an absence of summer goodness, it most surly holds change, and amidst the rain, and cold, there is the beauty of the falling leaves, crisp sunshine, apples and pumpkins.

Moving here was at first lonely, full of change and absence of comfort, but has drifted to filling with good people, new experiences, apples and pumpkins.

My highlights

Fall leaves- OK west coast, they have us beat. The diversity and richness of COLOR is astounding. I didn't get to go to the blue ridge mountains which is renowned for it's beauty, but even just on my walk to duke and back I am constantly aghast by the foliage.

SOUTHERN COMFORT- no not that southern comfort, the most southern difference I have found is the food. I do complain about the amount that is fried, ( mostly 'cause i don't want to eat too much of it)- but they really have a knack for frying and making great comfort food. So i gathered my new found friends/ food lovers together and had a potluck. We had a great time sharing recipes, music and each other's company.

my mom visited and we made a desk, out of an old door- yeah we're that cool.

DUKE basketball- so this is a big deal here. I guess this is common knowledge to most of the world, but I didn't have the slightest, so I figured I should partake of it and learn. Except to get a ticket is ridiculously expensive and sold out, and the student tickets are handed out in a lottery that the students sleep in tents for months to be entered into. So no schmoozing, money, or body parts would get me a spot.

But who you knows makes the world go round. A favor for a friend, the friend doing a favor for a professor led to us getting tickets!!!

The stadium and the fans are what Duke basketball is famous for. Here's some more info in case the curiosity about the history and fame is unbearable.

Originally the largest indoor arena in the South, Cameron is today one of the smallest in the nation. Nevertheless, its stature grows from year-to-year. Sellout crowds, top 25 rankings and championships of every variety have become the norm. The "creative harassment" of student spectators has given Duke the honor of being known as "one of the toughest road games in the USA," according to USA Today and any visiting team that has ever played in Cameron. In its June 7, 1999, issue, Sports Illustrated rated Cameron Indoor Stadium fourth on a list of the top 20 sporting venues in the world in the 20th Century, ranking ahead of such notables as Wrigley Field, Fenway Park and Pebble Beach Golf Club.

Duke's men's basketball teams have had a decided home-court advantage for many years, thanks to the diehard students and fans affectionately known as "Cameron Crazies" for their aggressiveness, tough catcalls, bleacher jumping and other actions used to create loud noises (for example, in the 02-22-09 showdown vs. Wake Forest, the arena reached 116 dB, similar in volume to jet engines at takeoff, louder than a jackhammer, and nearing the 120 dB threshold for pain^[5]) and rattle opposing offenses. Typically, the seats near the court as well as standing room is reserved for students who wait hours in order to access those areas come game time.

For access to major games, including those against the University of North Carolina, students tent for months in an area outside of Cameron known as "Krzyzewskiville." The hardwood floor was dedicated and renamed Coach K Court in February 2001, in recognition of head coach Mike Krzyzewski's 500th win at Duke.^[6]

Although it was no South American soccer match, it definitely had charisma a whole lot of of blue and a highlight of my fall!

So as I settle into winter, I am looking forward to less change and more comfort; knowing even in the stillness of winter, I am always in it, the whole messy lovely living process of me.

i love the sea and the sea loves me

If you know me, you know of my love for the ocean. If my poetic streak would flare I would write an ode to its unfathomable greatness.

I can now say I've encountered the North Carolina's Atlantic and am still smitten. I met my brother and his house mates at the outer banks- one of the "must see" attractions of NC. The outer banks consist of overgrown sand bars, overly developed with many skinny houses on stilts. Except the last island, ocracoke, which is just sand, ocean and a little fishing village, for us there was no other option.

For the first time, while driving there, I saw glimpses of the south I had created in my imagination. There were blossoming cotton fields and tobacco leaves fading yellow in the sun. picture little kids barefoot in overalls holding kittens ( no really) in front of houses overgrown with ivy. Dilapidated mansions, crumbling from their grandeur, spotted the fields along side rows of trailers. I had to take a ferry on the last leg and saw a dolphin fin ( the dolphin was under water) I have no photo to collaborate or second eye witness, but a fin I saw. other randomness: they have flocks of pelicans that dive into the water for meals, an impressive sight, given their size.

I forget how good it is to be with people who know you, and care about you. Cj and his groupies live deeply connected and with so much care and love for one another.

It was revitalizing to be included in all the lov'n. We camped strolled, built fires, played in the nightly bio- luminescence ocean, swam, and net fished ( above photo).

Michelle and I tried it in the ocean (its meant for a calm bay), and had little success besides entertaining the beer bellied fisherman near by. In the bay the next day, with netting success, we reveled and gawked over all the sea creatures we could capture. Cj's website, http://www.catchlightart.com/ has it well documented. We watched in awe and shock as a crab (who had vengefully attacked Cj moments before) cut a fish in two and ate it.

*******

Two weeks later I returned to the ocean, with a group of strangers. Yup, I broke all the rules, I talked with strangers, got into a car with strangers, and let them take me away for the weekend. I did it all for the sake of community. :)

If nothing else my vagabond state this past year has stripped me of any fear of people I don't know. I can gather the life story of a rock and love doing it!

Luckily I had some nice people to talk to and wasn't left talking with rocks. The group was made up of other young adults who were connected with a church I had been visiting and the weekend was focused on learning about community. The Church is going through a lot right now and in general is a little...hmm. lets say pastel, ( not nitty gritty or in the grime of living, too much suburbia for my taste) but it's heart is in the right place. I met many people with different passions, and felt welcomed.

Its all about picking quality strangers :)

It was quite a treat to be swimming, sunning and playing beach volley ball in late October. I'm sheepishly looking forward to a mild winter; I'm growing broccoli and spinach outside still!

The time in between the ocean visits have been about finding my rhythm and role in my internship and with all the people I have been meeting. Currently I'm looking for a job, as my internship is free labour, and I like clothes, gasoline, and food too much to survive without money!

The leaves here are GORGEOUS. I have never seen colors quite like them before, its hard to believe they exist in nature. I'll try to capture some photos.

May you all have a chance to embrace a loved one in the crisp fall sunshine, sip cider and watch leaves drift ( i want a photo if you are able to do it all at once)!

Cheers Loves!!

An ode to Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile.”

Ah, 'tis then I love to wander,
Wander idly and alone,
Listening to the solemn music
Of sweet nature's undertone;
Wrapt in thoughts I cannot utter,
Dreams my tongue cannot express,
Dreams that match the autumn's sadness
In their longing tenderness."
- Mortimer Crane Brown, Autumn Dreams

Hot chocolate vs the avalanche

My internship has been getting underway, each day building on the one before. I like the hospital setting with all the people, possibilities and bustling. 25,000 people work at Duke hospital, to give you a sense of its size. If I try multi tasking while walking I quickly find myself exploring new units, wings and floors, as I try to wander my way back to where I was going.

I hesitate to say much for reasons of confidentiality about my internship. If you were locked on a psych ward ( or your loved one was) what would you feel comfortable having the social work intern posting about it on the world wide web?

I'll try to paint a generalized picture of what we do. I think i can best describe mental health struggles as an avalanche. Some people have the resources, skills and people to see the warning signs and avoid getting caught in an avalanche, others get caught in small snow banks, but have family, Drs and tools to get out, or be quickly retrieved when crisis overtakes them .

I spend my 30 hours a week, listening to many people discuss, share observations and solutions of 18 patients who have been catapulted, swept out of the control and safety and buried in an avalanche ( in some cases for years) of the most terrifying, debilitating crisis of life.

If they have made it to us, the adult acute care psychiatric locked ward, they have tried to kill themselves and failed, or are acting in bizarre enough ways that their family, friends or law enforcement fear they are a danger to themselves or others. This sounds intense and dramatic, and in one sense it is that extreme. But by the time they reach us they are sedated, or soon will be, so mostly the patients spend their time eating, watching TV, attending activities- taebo, crafts, life skills groups ect... and sleeping while on the ward.

I see us as trying to find them admist the snow of jumbled, tightly packed, sometimes vast field of symptoms and variables. We poke, questions, analyze and try to create an air hole so they know which way is up. The goal of their stay is for the treatment team to find a medication that can give them enough of their mind and function back to make them capable of being in society and making sure they have someone on the outside who can continue to assist them once they leave.

We stabilize, not heal. We do not delve into thier past, do therapy, or discuss the pros and cons of thier choices and its outcomes. Someone else comes in and does DBT ( a form of therapy directed at changing behavior). Duke is known for its advances in ECT treatments ( electric shock therapy) so they are sometimes sent for this. If we do our Job, we offer an airhole, a way to know which way is up, a glimpse of hope when it seemed the crushing weight of the mental illness that coccooned you into this state, is all life will ever be.

As my supervisor puts it, if we didnt do this who would?. It sounds like a disservice, when someone is suffering so much that all we do is offer meds, but in reality, this is a solution they can afford and maintain.

I have very little contact with the actual patients at this point. I go in and listen to the Dr's and med students when they interview them daily, I help contact resources in the community that can be helpful for them when they leave. Some stay for a day, others for a month, rarely more than 3 weeks. Average is about a week and a 1/2.

It would be easy to be depressed seeing such hopeless, hurting people and knowing my role, or what I can do it so minimal given the size of their struggle, but When we are dealing with these basic of life issues, the need for love and the way to provide it seems pretty clear. I see my role as kinda like the one who hands out hot chocolate to the rescue team on the avalanche rescue, it doesn't do much directly for the one we are searching for, but every small things can make a difference. What I have to offer them is a smile, support to the nurses- the ones digging in the snow day in and out, while the Dr's observe and direct, make suggestions and with the client's offer eye contact, respect as people even in their crazyness.

If I wanted the glory and control, I would have become a psychiatrist, ( ive defenintly been contemplating if Ive made the right choice in this mileu) but I know i make some pretty good hot chocolate, and its not what I do, but how and why I do it, that can make all the difference in the world.

I'll think about that tomorrow"~ Scarlett O Hara

I have found living space. I have a real bed and roof and address!

its 2701 Sparger RD Durham NC 277055

I have started my internship and it will be a learning experience; as always, navigating the channels on interpersonal ego relations, will be the first dance steps to learn. For example DO NOT refer to the Attending as the "real DRs", When trying to decipher between Attendings and Residences. Don't worry, I'm cute,and they seem to have forgiven the faux paux :). I also caught a BIG oversight before it was disasterous that an Attending made and the resident got to take credit for it ( rightly so) , so I think i'm back in thier graces. ( Way to loong and anticlimatic story to tell).

Weekends have been spent scouring thrift stores for furniture that is cheeep and cute and fits in my car, so far I have found a coat rack for a dollar and a very sturdy chair; desk, shelves and the rest to go!

This rest of this blog is the rambling tangent of me who has been living alone in a sunrooom, with a chiwauwa, I feel like a have a squirrel on a leash when I take it for walks- which translates to too much time in my head-

It has all worked out, not perfection but pleasent all the same. I say not perfection, because it's not the ideal and being less than ideal is something I'm always striving to find the balance in.

You see I'm learning how much easier it is to look at what everyone else has and wish, want desire that. I wonder if I should have kept looking for housing (or--- fill in the blank) or been satified with what I have. It applies to so much more than just housing; it's a internal dialouge I constantly have. Is this good enough, although its not "great", am I settling or is there something more "out there"? And then that lovely God element comes in, is this "what He has for me and I therfore I should be satisfied", or do I need to be "faithful" and wait until God provides something that "feels right"? I feel like Im playing a battle ships board game with christianesy catch phrases,- which launched advice bombs will hit the right battle ship answer?

How do I be satisfied with what I have, but be open to somthing better? I cant figure out how to be committed to where I am, if I'm always looking to change it? Again this applies across the board in so many different areas of life, from Job, living, relationships and beyond.

I realize others envy my life, I am the epitomy of free. I have no one relying on me, my ambitions, pursuits, time, choices are my own. Few people ever have the chance to fully experience this. But to be this free, I am alone. Everyone says I'm brave. Why, what other option do they see I have?

And although I have always experienced aloneness, here, in a far off land, without a built in social network, lonliness has a heavier calaminity to it. I am fighting to not fill it with activities, random people, or pity, but am getting to the place where I am trying to just go slow enough to experience it, not fight it but find the good in it, in the solitude. Like being alone, with myself.

It inst natural, nor all together negative.

I'll end on a lighter note-

my room mate is a lovely lady who is an ER nurse and owner of the chiwauwa and house.

I found some amazing "southern veggies" to experiment with at the farmer's margret- such as thick skined HUGE grape like fruit things, miniture round green and white eggplants, Crazy looking tomatoes, and eggs as big as my fist- for real!!!

The people here are ridiulously kind and im learning to talk reeeaalll slooooow and polite like.

I revel in the accents!!

I'm reading and loving Confederates in your attic ( compliments of my father) to enhance my southern experieince. SO facinanting.

May you all feel blessed by what you have and what you live without.